Friday was a storm of emotions?
Early in the afternoon I found out that a project I had been working on for the last day was done incorrectly and had to be scrapped and started over from the very beginning. Not only was I running out of time, but I was frustrated and overwhelmed. That was when the headache began. This deep thump, thumping right at the center of my forehead, causing my eyes to strain and my jaw to clench.
I tried breathing through it. Taking a walk. Meditating for a few minutes. But the headache wouldn?t lessen. So I just plowed through my work ? determined to get through my to do list so I could relax when I got home.
Then, later in the afternoon, I received news that my Great Aunt Jane passed away. Hearing this news, even though it was somewhat expected, literally broke my heart. My Aunt Jane was a woman I?ve always admired and loved deeply as she was one of the strongest, most loyal and caring people I have ever met. She had been the cornerstone of our family since our grandparents passed away and her passing hit me hard. Harder then I expected. Hearing of her death brought me to my knees and literally opened up my heart.
With my head resting against the wall I vividly remembered the phone falling from my mother?s grip as she learned of her father?s death. The English paper I was writing when I found out that my Grandmother had passed away ? days before I was hoping to visit. The moment of shock when my paternal Grandfather left this world. The suffocation I felt when my mother told me that Maddie died ? just a year ago.
It was as though my heart was torn open all over again and as I crouched in the hallway at work I didn?t just cry over the loss of my Aunt Jane, I grieved for all those I have lost in the past.
I didn?t have time to grieve though ? I had work I needed to get done before I could leave and meet a friend at the train station. So I shook off the sadness, dried my tears and focused on putting one foot in front of the other.
By the time I got home Friday I was exhausted, but I didn?t want to be rude or miss out on the fun of my friend?s visit, so I refused to give into my emotions. Instead I smiled, laughed, and helped prepare dinner. Completely ignoring my need to grieve.
It was in the middle of sauteing peppers and mushrooms that I felt a stabbing pain in my abdomen. I literally bent over in agony and almost dropped the pan. That moment I knew that ignoring my heartache was bringing my body real pain. My grief, my frustration and sadness was manifesting in my body :: the intense headache, the twisting pain in my stomach ? they were signals that I couldn?t just ignore my sorrow. I needed to welcome the tears and work through them.
The longer I ignored my sadness the longer it would hurt.
Laying in bed I let down my guard and opened my heart, my mind, my soul to all the sorrow that has been etched on my heart over the years. It wasn?t just sorrow that I found though ? I found simple memories of love and support? of making toast with my aunt, dancing in the dining room with my grand father, listening to my Grandparents tell me stories.
Embracing my grief was messy, and hard, but at the same time full of light and hope. In those moments of vunerability and raw emotion I felt connected to their love once again. A love that will never fade.
Related posts:
- Breathe Compassion
- How Forgiveness and Moving On has Cleared My Brain
- Embracing Change & Letting Go of Control
- A Love Letter to the Past & Future
- Thoughtful Thursday: Embracing Adventure
Source: http://www.creativesoulinmotion.com/2013/03/embracing-grief-to-find-love/
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